Let’s dive into something we all experience but rarely talk about openly – being triggered by our kids. This post is all about understanding what’s happening in our bodies when we’re triggered, and how we can manage these feelings in a healthy way.

What Does It Mean to Be Triggered?

First, let’s break down what it means to be triggered. When you’re triggered, your body is reacting to a current situation by bringing up past experiences stored in your body and unconscious mind. Essentially, something your child does reminds you, often subconsciously, of a past event or feeling, causing an intense emotional response.

Taking Responsibility for Our Triggers

It’s crucial to remember that our kids aren’t intentionally triggering us. They’re just being kids, whether they’re toddlers or teenagers. Their actions are a mirror, reflecting areas within us that might need some healing. For instance, something that triggers me might not trigger my partner, Jeff, and vice versa. It’s an invitation to take responsibility for our own triggers rather than blaming our kids, our partners, or anyone else.

When we’re triggered, it’s a chance to pause and ask ourselves, “What’s going on within me?” Approach this with curiosity and compassion instead of blame.

Now, here’s a perspective shift: When our kids trigger us, it can actually be reassuring and validating for us as parents. I’ve heard many of you worry that your kids are disrespectful because they don’t always listen or do what they’re told, and this really triggers you. But here’s another way to look at it.

Kids who push boundaries, test limits, and don’t always comply immediately are going through normal childhood development. They feel safe enough with you to be themselves and assert their independence. This behavior shows that they trust your unconditional love and support, even when they’re pushing your buttons.

Raising Independent Thinkers

When our kids don’t act like robots, it’s a good sign. It means they’re not people-pleasers who comply out of fear. Parenting from a place of fear isn’t effective because a child in a stress response (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) can’t learn or retain information properly. This applies to kids of all ages.

If your child is always compliant, it’s worth considering if they might be in a fawn response – trying to please you to avoid triggering you. This can stem from a fear of your reaction and a feeling of responsibility for your emotions.

I understand it’s tough when our kids trigger us. It would be easier if they always did what we asked without fuss. But that’s not how humans grow and learn. A little defiance now can mean they’ll stand up to bullies in school or resist peer pressure later in life. It helps them develop conviction and courage.

Setting Boundaries with Love

This doesn’t mean we should let our kids do whatever they want. Firm and loving boundaries are essential. Discipline, encouragement, and modeling respectful behavior are all crucial. When we’re triggered, it’s an opportunity for inner work and self-regulation. It’s a reminder that while parenting is hard, it’s also a powerful investment in our children’s future.

When we respond to our triggers with awareness and compassion, we’re teaching our kids that it’s safe to express themselves. We’re helping them learn to disagree respectfully, set boundaries, and stand up for themselves.

Need More Support?

If this post brought up a lot for you, consider booking an unstuck session. In a one-hour Zoom call, we can explore what’s beneath your triggers and start working towards a more regulated space. I’m here for you, and remember – you’re doing better than you think.

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