Recording this bright and early because I’m about to hop on a 9am flight to Phoenix for the Mom 2.0 conference—a fabulous gathering of women leaders in media. I’m beyond pumped and can’t wait to share all the juicy details with you when I get back. It’s my first time in Phoenix, so if you’re a local or know the area well, please hit me up with your must-visit eateries and hotspots!

I’m flying solo for this trip, and let me tell you, I’m thrilled for the break. We live in Miami, and after three days in Phoenix, I’ll head to Dallas to meet Jeff and the girls for a family conference. Jeff will handle the parenting duties early in the week before flying with the girls from Miami to Dallas. It’s a whirlwind, but I’m looking forward to every minute.

The Overfunctioning Mom

Last night, I found myself in full-on mom mode. I wanted to pack the girls’ suitcases so Jeff could easily grab them for the airport. I made a list of the last-minute items like toothbrushes and pondered at 1am whether I should also pack their travel backpacks with snacks and activities for the plane.

Then it hit me—I was overfunctioning. Jeff is a fantastic partner and an incredibly capable dad. He can handle getting the girls to Dallas without my over-involvement. But there I was, trying to prep everything, driven by my own anxiety.

Overfunctioning means we take on the responsibilities, emotions, well-being, and needs of those around us, often to manage our own anxiety or insecurities. As moms, many of us experience overfunctioning. For some, it creeps in like it did for me last night. For others, it might be a daily habit in almost every aspect of life, often unnoticed.

Why Do We Overfunction?

Overfunctioning is usually a coping mechanism—a defense strategy to control our environment and manage anxiety, fear, or scarcity mindset. It can be a trauma response, where we believe something bad will happen if we don’t handle everything ourselves, or that it won’t be done right. This need to control is deeply rooted in our personality patterns, often stemming from childhood experiences.

The Harm in Doing Everything for Everyone

Overfunctioning impacts not just us, but also those around us. By doing everything for our children, partner, and others, we deny them the opportunity to learn and grow. We enable a narrative that they can’t manage without us, absolving them of responsibility. Doing their chores, homework, packing for activities, solving their problems—we contribute to their underfunctioning.

For ourselves, this pattern leads to poor boundaries, a constantly stressed nervous system, and ultimately, burnout. We take on a martyr role, running ourselves ragged and then feeling frustrated and resentful when no one helps out. The cycle perpetuates, fostering bitterness and exhaustion.

Here are five signs you might be overfunctioning:

• You don’t ask for help.
• You absorb others’ emotions.
• You become a chameleon, changing opinions and actions to please others.
• You strive for perfectionism.
• You constantly remind everyone about everything.

Once you’re aware of these patterns, you can make conscious choices about how to show up. Changing your expectations and relinquishing control can lead to healthier dynamics. It’s not about abandoning your family but empowering them—and yourself.

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