Understanding Self-Sabotage: Why Do We Do This?

We all want to make changes. We set goals with the best intentions, but sometimes, despite knowing what we should do, we don’t follow through. This often leaves us feeling shame and guilt, pushing us even further from our aspirations. So why do we self-sabotage? What’s going on beneath the surface?

When trauma remains unresolved, it often manifests as self-sabotaging behaviors. This might look like struggling to stick to health goals, experiencing thoughts of infidelity in a good marriage, or reaching for a drink after years of sobriety. These patterns are a set of beliefs, feelings, and actions that set us up for failure. Despite making progress, many of us fall back into old, disruptive habits because we’re still operating from a childlike consciousness. Any sense of change, growth, or progress can feel like a threat to these deeply ingrained patterns.

Our nervous system is wired for familiarity. It will always choose what it knows because that’s what it perceives as safe. Even if these familiar patterns aren’t the best for us, they run deep and are hard to break. When we’re struggling to see change in our lives and battling self-sabotage, we need to do deep work with our patterns to embody a new way of being. This is where mindset work alone falls short. We need both bottom-up and top-down approaches to truly heal.

Trauma and childhood patterns are stored in our bodies. Even if we try to push away memories or dissociate by staying busy, drinking, or overachieving, our bodies will still tell the story, often manifesting as self-sabotage. After experiencing trauma (both big and small), the HPA axis in our brain becomes hypersensitive, releasing more of the stress hormone cortisol. When this trauma and chronic stress go untreated, the brain’s hormone response continues to activate, and excess cortisol wreaks havoc on our bodies, leading to nervous system dysregulation with mental, emotional, and physical symptoms.

To heal, we need to shift our feelings of hypervigilance to a state of calm and safety. This is why it’s crucial to work with a therapist or coach who uses both bottom-up and top-down approaches. Traditional talk therapy can fail to address the root of trauma and chronic stress stored in the body.

Procrastination and Perfectionism: The Twin Pillars of Self-Sabotage

Procrastination is often tied to perfectionism. As humans, we rarely do something unless it’s rewarding. We tend to avoid pain, discomfort, and feelings of incompetence or insecurity. So, when we procrastinate, we feel a temporary sense of relief. The most important strategy is to break tasks into manageable chunks—10-15 minutes at a time. Starting is often the hardest part, but once we begin, we’re likely to continue. Habits over motivation are key. If we want to make lasting changes, we need to start small.

Anxiety plays a significant role in procrastination. Asking ourselves why we’re avoiding something and what fears are tied to the task can help dismantle procrastination’s power. Perfectionism, a coping strategy, doesn’t tolerate imperfection, but embracing our humanness can be liberating.

Facing Resistance: My Personal Journey

I’ve been feeling a lot of resistance while building a course for you all. It’s been months in the making, and I know it’s going to be fantastic. It’s scheduled to go into beta testing later this spring, and I find myself constantly making excuses not to work on it. There’s a part of me that wants to sabotage this project to protect myself from potential disappointment—what if it flops? What if I’ve wasted all this time? This course is designed to help moms combat anxiety and overwhelm with deep nervous system work, far beyond just getting organized or taking deep breaths. It’s about shifting our emotional state in minutes.

Logically, I know this course is revolutionary and deeply needed. I’ve seen its power firsthand and in the lives of many other women. Yet, there’s still a part of me that wants to play it safe and avoid risks. This is normal, and we all experience it. We’re all works in progress.

Embracing Change and Moving Forward

We all have subconscious stories that manifest in our lives. We might not always understand why, but we can choose to be aware of them and decide to act despite our feelings. Watch how defensive you become when faced with action. When you run toward what you resist the most, you achieve breakthroughs faster. What you resist will persist. You can choose the discomfort of not doing what you want or the discomfort of growth and vulnerability. It’s about making the conscious choice to pursue what truly matters and stepping into the life you desire.

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