One of the most frequently asked questions I receive in my comments and DMs is: “What do I do if my friend/partner/parent/colleague doesn’t respect my boundaries?”⁣

The answer isn’t always black and white because there is usually context to consider and nuances to think about.⁣ We can truly only control ourselves. Here’s a guide to help you navigate these tricky waters with clarity and confidence.

Assess the Situation

First, understand the context. Is the unacceptable behavior a one-time occurrence, or is it a pattern? Does it feel abusive? Is the other person someone you want to maintain a relationship with? Sometimes, the issue might actually be that you aren’t being clear about what you need, but still expecting change.

Use Clear Language to Re-State Your Needs

If the relationship is important to you, re-state your boundaries and manage your expectations for change. Patterns do not become better overnight. Sometimes it takes time for the other person to adjust and meet your needs. Figure out how long you’re willing to wait? What’s your limit? (This obviously doesn’t apply to abusive behavior.)

You might say, “I need to remind you that I’ve asked for [specific boundary]. It’s important to me, and I appreciate your understanding.” This reinforces your position without escalating the situation and shows that you’re serious about maintaining your limits.

Set Clear Consequences and Be Consistent

Boundaries without consequences aren’t boundaries. Clearly outline what will happen if the boundary continues to be violated. You might say, “If this boundary isn’t respected, I will need to [specific action, like limiting contact or stepping back from the situation].” Establishing consequences helps reinforce the seriousness of your boundary and demonstrates your commitment to maintaining it.

For example:

• “If I don’t hear back from you by [specific time], I won’t be able to complete the project this week. I don’t check my email on the weekends, so I will speak to you on Monday.”
• “If you continue to [specific behavior], I’m not going to continue coming to visit on the weekends.”

Practice Regulating Your Nervous System

It’s essential to regulate your nervous system, especially when you’re calm, so you can better manage your responses when triggered. Here are some strategies:

• Pause instead of reacting quickly.
• Notice your somatic cues.
• Journal about your thoughts and feelings.
• Prep in advance for your triggers.
• Engage in self-care: eat, hydrate, sleep.

Disengage if Necessary

Some people just won’t be able to honor your boundaries. They may lack self-awareness, have toxic patterns, think they’re always right, or hold strong opinions. You can’t force, change, or control them into respecting your boundary.

Ask yourself, is this worth my time and energy? If not, work on your inner boundary by deciding if you need to engage with them beyond the bare minimum. Leave the group chat, stop hanging out with them, stop listening to their advice/opinions.

Get Support

If healthy boundaries weren’t modeled to you as a child, this can feel really uncomfortable and frustrating as an adult. Protecting your peace is easier said than done, but practice leads to progress. Sharing your experience can provide you with validation and advice. You could say, “I’ve been struggling with maintaining my boundary with [person], and I’d love your perspective or support on how to handle it.” Leaning on your support system can bolster your resolve and provide new insights.

It’s okay to ask for help along the way:

• Talk to a trusted friend or mentor.
• Join a support group like RESTORE.
• Work with a therapist or coach.

Practice Self-Compassion

It’s crucial to be gentle with yourself during this process. Remind yourself that enforcing boundaries is a form of self-respect and essential for your mental and emotional health. You might tell yourself, “It’s okay to stand firm. I deserve to have my boundaries respected.” Self-compassion helps you stay grounded and resilient, even when facing pushback.

Remember, setting and maintaining boundaries is a journey. It requires patience, practice, and persistence. But each step you take towards reinforcing your boundaries is a step towards a healthier and more respectful relationship with yourself and others.

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