Trauma is a term we hear a lot these days, but it often gets misunderstood or dismissed. Some of us can pinpoint specific traumatic events in our lives—our parents’ divorce, bullying in high school, or feeling the weight of our family’s financial stress as a kid. Others might downplay their experiences, thinking they don’t qualify as “real trauma.” However, experiencing trauma to varying degrees is inevitable because we’re human. Pain, fear, and insecurity are all part of the human experience. If these feelings aren’t processed, they can significantly impact our bodies, affecting our thoughts and behaviors.

From a somatic perspective, trauma occurs as a result of emotional, physical, or psychological overwhelm—when external stimuli present themselves as “too much, too fast, too soon.” It’s not the event itself that determines trauma, but how our body and nervous system respond to it. Trauma emerges from the way these events interface with our nervous system, not necessarily from the events themselves. So, it’s not so much about what happens around us, but what happens within us because of what’s happening around us.

Types of Trauma

1. Acute Trauma: These are one-time events that cause shock trauma. Examples include natural disasters, accidents, or the sudden passing of a loved one.

2. Chronic Trauma: This involves multiple, long-term, or prolonged distressing traumatic events over an extended period, also known as toxic stress. Examples include serious illness, sexual abuse, domestic violence, bullying, substance abuse in the household, war, emergency worker exposure, poverty, and discrimination.

3. Complex Trauma: This is exposure to multiple traumatic events or traumatic environments, often interpersonal. Examples include childhood abuse, domestic violence, family disputes, mental illness in a parent, abandonment, neglect, civil unrest, and criminal behavior.

The Impact of Trauma

Understanding the impact of trauma is essential. It’s comforting to have an explanation for why we are the way we are. You don’t have anxiety because you’re weak or can’t handle life. You don’t lose your temper with your family because you’re a mean person. None of us are broken or need fixing. The signs of dysregulation—emotional volatility, edginess, snapping, difficulty focusing, brain fog, gut issues—are all very predictable, expected, and normal responses to life experiences.

The Not-So-Obvious Trauma

Trauma isn’t always obvious. Here are some less obvious forms:

• Toxic Stress: Small but ongoing environmental instability.
• Chaotic Environments: Consistent drama, distractions, noise, and unpredictability.
• Aggressive Environments: Anytime the rules come before the relationship.
• Punitive Environments: Where demand for performance is valued more highly than attachment or relationship; when the rules constantly change based on the temperament of those in charge.
• Instability: Lack of predictability, inability to trust the situation or relax.

These almost always trace back to childhood. As a parent, understanding this is incredibly powerful because we can help our kids have a different experience. We don’t want our kids to have to heal from the same things we do. All our parents did the best they could with the resources and information they had while raising us. They all had their own traumas with likely very little support in understanding, let alone processing and healing. Each generation builds on the prior one, breaking generational patterns. That’s heavy work, but it’s worth it.

Nervous System Patterns Developed by Age 3

By the age of three, our nervous system patterns are significantly influenced by our environment:

• Relational: How we relate to others and ourselves.
• Emotional: How we express and manage emotions.
• Cognitive: How we think and perceive.
• Physical: How we use our bodies.

These patterns are responses to our environment, not choices.

It’s Never Too Late

If you’re feeling guilty or ashamed because your kids are older than three and might have experienced some of these things, remember: it’s never too late. It’s never too late to have a good childhood, even for us adults. We can do inner child work now, even as parents, and heal those traumas. Healing is always available. That’s the key takeaway—it’s never too late for you or your kids.

If you’re in the Calm Mom Academy (CMA), we’ll be diving into this in the next couple of weeks. If you’re not in this cohort, consider joining us in the fall or get 1:1 support in the meantime. You don’t have to process and heal from all this trauma alone. Visit my website to book a free discovery call. We can spend 30 minutes on Zoom discussing what’s going on for you and how I can help. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey.

Have a question you’d love Michelle to answer on the podcast? “Ask Michelle a Question.” Click this link, record your message, hit send, and I’ll answer it in a future episode!