I know many of you can relate to having a jam-packed schedule, but that’s not what I want to talk about today. Instead, let’s dive into a topic that hits close to home for many of us: people-pleasing.

I’ve always been known as a “kind” person—though I cringe a little at how that might sound. But it’s true; kindness has always been a core part of who I am. As I transitioned into adulthood, especially in my career as a trial attorney in the competitive, often macho environment of South Florida, I took pride in being the “nice” opposing counsel. Niceness for me wasn’t about weakness; it was about embracing kindness and gentleness, even in high-pressure situations. My law partners knew that if we had difficult clients, I was the one who could handle them with grace. “Just work with Michelle—she’s so nice, you’re gonna love her,” they would say.

And I think many of you resonate with that. You take pride in being nice and kind. We want to model these qualities for our children. Kindness is a powerful force—it’s a fruit of the Spirit, after all, and I’m all for it. But sometimes, kindness can get tangled up with people-pleasing, and the line between the two can blur without us even realizing it. It begs the question: Is this genuine kindness, or is it a trauma response?

Let’s break it down.

Understanding People-Pleasing as a Stress Response

We all have natural stress responses: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. The fawn response is what we often recognize as people-pleasing. Imagine if someone broke into your house right now—what would you do? Your reaction would likely fall into one of these four categories.

People-pleasing is our nervous system’s way of saying, “I’ll keep the peace at any cost.” But is that truly kindness, or is it self-abandonment?

3 Signs Your Kindness is Actually People-Pleasing

1. People-Pleasing is Self-AbandoningWhen you’re people-pleasing, you’re often going against your true desires. You really want to say no, but you say yes. You want to give honest feedback, but you soften your words to avoid conflict. People-pleasing takes you out of alignment with your values, leading to chronic stress and nervous system dysregulation. On the other hand, true kindness is life-giving. It’s a joy, not a chore. You will never regret an act of genuine kindness, but people-pleasing often leaves you feeling drained and regretful.
2. Kindness is Genuine, People-Pleasing Has a MotiveKindness is about being kind for kindness’s sake. It’s authentic and comes from the heart. People-pleasing, however, often has a hidden motive. Whether or not you’re aware of it, people-pleasing is rooted in fear. It’s a fawn response because your nervous system has learned that by pleasing others, you gain approval, love, and ultimately, security—your brain’s top priority.
3. People-Pleasing is Rooted in Fear, Kindness is Rooted in LoveFear of letting someone down, fear of disappointing others—these fears drive people-pleasing behavior. We feel terrible saying no or setting boundaries because we’re afraid of how others might react. People-pleasing feels constricting, while true kindness feels expansive and rooted in love.

Moving Forward with Awareness

Recognizing the difference between kindness and people-pleasing can be enlightening. If you notice that you’re stuck in a people-pleasing pattern and you’re sick of it, burned out, and ready for change, let’s talk. Book a free coaching discovery call with me—I’ve got the link below—and let’s work together to break free from the cycle of people-pleasing.

You deserve to live a life that’s authentic, kind, and true to who you are—without the stress and burnout that comes from constantly putting others first. Let’s make that happen together.

Have a question you’d love Michelle to answer on the podcast? “Ask Michelle a Question.” Click this link, record your message, hit send, and I’ll answer it in a future episode!