Let’s dive into what’s likely happening in your body when you’re feeling activated or on edge. This state, often referred to as the Sympathetic state, is essentially a form of nervous system dysregulation—what we commonly know as the fight-or-flight response. You’ve probably noticed that when you’re in this state, you might feel anxious, jittery, or have a racing mind. Your heart may start beating faster, too.

When this happens, it’s because your body is flooded with energy, but instead of feeling empowered, it often manifests as anxiety. Why? Because this energy is misplaced. Something has triggered your nervous system, making it feel overwhelmed. It’s like an internal alarm system going off, telling you that you need to stay safe, so your body jumps into action—fight or flight.

Just like when we’re in the freeze response, when we’re in fight-or-flight mode, we can’t simply talk ourselves out of it. We need some sort of movements or exercises. Think about the last time you told your kids, partner, or even yourself to calm down—did it work? Probably not. That’s because when we’re activated in this way—when we’re anxious, jittery, and our thoughts are racing—the learning part of our brain, the prefrontal cortex, shuts down.

The prefrontal cortex is where all our executive functions live—critical thinking, compassion, empathy, logic, reason, and language. All the things we rely on to be the mom, wife, or professional we want to be are housed here. If it makes you a good human being, it lives in this part of your brain.

But when we’re in fight-or-flight mode, our body’s priority isn’t learning new skills or communicating clearly. In fact, our body literally shuts down non-essential functions to focus on survival. Blood is diverted from our gut to our extremities to help us fight or flee, which is why nervous system dysregulation can lead to gut issues like IBS, bloating, and other digestive problems.

When you or someone you love is in survival mode, it can be incredibly frustrating. Maybe you’re trying to talk to your kids, partner, or even your parents, but they’re in what I like to call “Hulk mode.” They’re angry, aggressive, and impulsive. Their learning brain is shut off, and they can’t hear or receive anything you’re saying. You’re trying to have a rational conversation with someone who is completely irrational at that moment. No matter what you do, you might even be perceived as a threat until they can regulate themselves.

This is why our kids might yell, “I hate you!” when they’re in Hulk mode. They’re not thinking clearly; they’re just reacting. It’s not the time to teach or discipline because their brain isn’t in a state to learn. I know this can be triggering for us as parents, but I get it.

So, what does this mean for us? It means we need to help our loved ones—and ourselves—get back into what I call the “learning brain” before trying to have any sort of productive conversation.

This isn’t just about others; it’s true for us too. That’s why we need to have regulation resources—tools and practices that help bring us back into the learning brain. Our kids can also benefit from tools and resources that help them discharge emotion and return to a regulated state. This is the essence of regulating our nervous system.

When someone is in survival brain, they have a myopic point of view. They can only see what’s right in front of them, completely clouded by their past experiences. Reality checking is off because that’s a function of the learning brain. They’re hyper-focused on what’s not working and scanning for threats. You could be speaking with the right tone and have the best intentions, but they might find one little thing that sets them off and think, “Oh, you’re trying to manipulate me!” It can catch us off guard—like, “Whoa! Where did that come from?”

I don’t know about you, but I’ve totally been in situations where I’m left wondering, “What is going on? That’s not what I meant at all!” But once I understood trauma, I realized that’s what was happening.

If we want to grow, change, and make progress with ourselves or others, everyone needs to be in the learning brain. And we do that by showing our body that it’s safe to move out of fight-or-flight mode and return to a regulated state. We can’t just tell our body it’s safe; we have to show it.

When you notice you’re feeling super anxious, irritable, or angry, here are three simple, quick, and powerful ways to help your body come out of that fight-or-flight response and regulate:

Shaking

This is one of my favorites—it works really well for my nervous system. Notice how animals often shake to release tension and stress? You might’ve seen a dog do this. It’s as simple as shaking your body—whether you’re sitting or standing. Just shake your extremities for 2-3 minutes. This helps release muscular tension, burn excess adrenaline, and calm your nervous system, bringing it back to its neutral state.

Bilateral Stimulation (EMDR)

This technique involves tapping or eye movements to engage both sides of the brain, helping to calm the nervous system and process emotions. A simple way to do this is through butterfly tapping—cross your arms over your chest and gently tap your shoulders while moving your eyes back and forth.

Deep Breathing

Breathing practices that engage the parasympathetic response, like lengthening your exhales or box breathing, are incredibly effective. Deep breathing, especially through the belly, triggers the vagus nerve and helps rinse your body clean of cortisol and other stress hormones. Try tongue breathing—make a fruit roll-up with your tongue, breathe in for a count of four, then breathe out through your nose for a count of eight. This creates pressure in your lungs, helping to regulate your nervous system.

Give these a try and see what works best for you. Every body and every nervous system is different, so pay attention to how your body responds. And if you want to dive deeper, shoot me a DM at michellegrosser.coach or join our FB group, The Calm Mom Collective.

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