I recently received a text from my sister-in-law, whose four-year-old is starting a new preschool. The school has been handing out stickers to kids who don’t cry during drop-off, and something about it wasn’t sitting right with her. She wanted to know my thoughts.

Her gut feeling is spot on, especially for a sensitive child. And it got me thinking: How often do we, as parents and caregivers, unintentionally encourage kids to suppress their emotions? Even if it seems harmless—after all, no one wants to start the day with a meltdown—it can have a much bigger impact than we realize.

Before you judge the school (or yourself—because let’s be real, we’ve all done it), know that this is an incredibly common situation. I’ve caught myself doing the same thing. Just the other day, I took my daughter to a doctor’s appointment involving needles, and I had to fight the urge to say, “Don’t cry, it’s okay, if you’re brave we’ll get ice cream after.” It’s a natural instinct, but suppressing emotions like this can have long-term consequences for both kids and adults.

So today, I want to share my thoughts on this practice, particularly from a nervous system perspective. This is simply food for thought, something to reflect on and hold up against your own family values and parenting practices.

What Are We Teaching When We Reward Kids for Not Crying?

Let’s zoom out for a second and ask: What are we unintentionally teaching when we reward kids for not crying? When we offer stickers, praise, or other rewards for holding back tears, we’re not just managing the situation. We’re potentially setting up patterns that encourage emotional suppression. And while no one is doing this with bad intentions (certainly not the school), the subconscious message can have lasting effects on how our kids understand and process their emotions.

Here are three major impacts of rewarding kids for not expressing their feelings.

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1. We Teach Them to Suppress Their Emotions

The most obvious consequence is that we’re teaching kids to suppress their emotions. This might seem like no big deal in the short term, but research shows that suppressed emotions are incredibly harmful to our health.

When kids (or adults) hold back emotions like fear or sadness, their bodies don’t just let it go. Suppressing emotions actually triggers a stress response in the body—raising heart rate, blood pressure, and stress hormones like cortisol. Over time, this leads to nervous system dysregulation, which can contribute to physical symptoms like IBS, migraines, immune issues, chronic fatigue, autoimmune conditions, and burnout.

So when we give kids a reward for not crying, we’re literally reinforcing the suppression of emotions. If you want a deeper dive into what happens in our bodies when we suppress emotions, check out a previous episode where I talk about this in more detail.

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2. We Teach Them Not to Trust Their Bodies

Emotions are our body’s way of communicating with us—they’re information. When your four-year-old is clinging to you at drop-off, they’re not manipulating you. They’re scared. You are their safety, their comfort, their source of love and security, and separating from that feels terrifying to them. Their little brains, particularly the amygdala (the fear center), are sounding the alarm that something isn’t right.

So, when we tell them, “Don’t cry, you’re fine,” we’re sending a confusing message. They don’t feel fine. Their body is telling them this is a big deal. But if we dismiss their feelings by saying, “It’s not a big deal” or “There’s nothing to be scared of,” we create a disconnect between what they’re feeling inside and what they’re being told by the outside world.

This is a crucial stage in child development, where kids are learning to trust themselves. They first see themselves through our eyes, and if our reflection is clear—if we validate their feelings—they learn to trust their inner experience. But if we offer a distorted reflection (“You’re fine” when they don’t feel fine), they learn to doubt themselves.

Instead of saying, “Stop crying, you’re okay,” try acknowledging their feelings: “I see you’re feeling nervous this morning. That’s okay, I get nervous too sometimes.” By validating their experience, we give them the tools to trust what their body is telling them. Over time, this builds self-confidence and emotional resilience.

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3. We Teach Them to Follow the Crowd

Another unintended consequence of rewarding kids for not crying is that we may inadvertently teach them to do what everyone else is doing—even when it doesn’t feel right to them.

It’s convenient when they’re four and you just want to get through drop-off without a meltdown. You might say, “Look, everyone else is fine. Be brave like your friends.” It seems harmless, right? But fast forward to their teenage years, and suddenly we’re telling them the opposite: “Don’t follow the crowd. Stand up for yourself. Trust your gut.” The message shifts, but the patterns we’ve established early on can stick.

By encouraging them to ignore their intuition or gut instinct in favor of doing what everyone else is doing, we’re setting a pattern that could lead to peer pressure later in life. It’s important to start teaching our kids that it’s okay to feel what they feel, even if everyone else seems fine. They don’t need to conform to the emotional responses of those around them.

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Finding Balance: Validating Emotions Without Giving In to Impulses

Now, validating your child’s emotions doesn’t mean you give in to every impulse. It doesn’t mean you say, “I understand you’re scared, so we’re going to skip school today.” Validation is about acknowledging what they’re feeling, not necessarily agreeing with their actions.

For example, you might say: “Wow, I see you’re a little nervous this morning. I get that. It’s totally normal to feel nervous when we’re doing something new.” By acknowledging their feelings, you’re helping them feel seen and understood. Then, once they’re regulated, you can coach them through the situation: “I’ll be back to pick you up later, just like I always do. Let’s talk about all the fun things you’ll do at school today.”

This teaches them that it’s okay to have big feelings, but those feelings don’t have to dictate their actions. It’s a way of supporting their emotional growth while still setting boundaries and teaching them resilience.

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Parenting Is Hard, But Emotional Awareness Makes It Easier

Let’s be real: Parenting is hard. It’s demanding, and it’s easy to get dysregulated ourselves when our kids push our buttons. But here’s the truth—when we’re regulated, we can tolerate their big emotions and challenges without taking them personally or being triggered. This makes us more grounded and better able to handle whatever comes our way.

For many of us, we grew up with well-meaning parents who told us, “Don’t cry, you’re fine,” or “Big girls don’t cry.” And while their intentions were good, we didn’t always learn how to express emotions in a healthy way. So now, as parents ourselves, it can feel extra hard to navigate our kids’ big feelings. But when we do our own inner work—healing our wounds, learning to express ourselves—we can break the cycle and give our kids a healthier emotional foundation.

Remember, your own healing is the best gift you can give your children. When you model emotional awareness and regulation, you teach them to do the same. And that, my friends, is how we raise emotionally intelligent, confident, and resilient kids.

If you’re ready to dive deeper into this work, I’m here to help. Book a discovery call and let’s talk about how we can work together to support your nervous system—and by extension, your parenting journey.

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