Today, let’s take a moment to grant ourselves some much-needed permission. Permission to make mistakes, to fail forward, and to engage our nervous system so we can handle those missteps with grace, moving towards a growth mindset without the paralyzing panic attacks or shame spirals.

Understanding the Struggle

If you struggle with making mistakes, you might also grapple with people-pleasing and being incredibly hard on yourself. These tendencies are often trauma responses. You might think, “I’ve never experienced trauma,” but trauma isn’t limited to the big, dramatic events we usually associate with it. If your nervous system feels unsafe when you’re anything less than perfect, that’s a trauma response. Reflect on your upbringing – perhaps you had a caregiver with high expectations, or you were praised for overachieving, being the “good girl,” and doing everything “right.”

The Subconscious Message

All these experiences sent a subconscious message to your nervous system: “I am safe and loved if I do things perfectly. If I mess up, I might not be.” This confusion between what we do and who we are can be deeply ingrained.

My Personal Journey

I’ve been there. As the oldest child, honor roll student, athlete, law school graduate, and certified master coach, I spent nearly four decades adhering to a standard that wasn’t truly mine. While this drive led to diplomas on the wall and professional success, it came at a cost. I lost my identity, acted out of obligation rather than passion, and endured significant stress and anxiety. I didn’t have the coping strategies or understanding to regulate my nervous system, and my boundaries were poor because I constantly aimed to meet others’ expectations – a classic case of people-pleasing.

Re-framing Mistakes

We intellectually know that making mistakes is healthy – they lead to growth, refinement, and better outcomes. Mistakes are inevitable because we’re human. If someone in your life doesn’t allow you to make mistakes, it might be time to reconsider their place in your life or establish new boundaries. If you hurt someone with your mistake, apologize and course correct. There’s no need to stew in guilt and shame. If you needed to hear this, know that I see you, and I’ve got you.

Embodying the Understanding

But how do we get our nervous system on board with this understanding? How do we know in our bodies that we’re allowed to make mistakes? This requires creating new patterns in our nervous system. Science has proven that our brains are malleable, and with effort, we can change.

Your old belief that mistakes are unsafe is like a well-trodden path in your brain. It’s easy to travel because it’s familiar. Building a new pathway requires effort – it’s like forging a new trail through a forest. It’s uncomfortable at first, but it’s essential for change.

Starting the Repatterning Process

Let’s start the process now:

1. Find a Quiet Space: Close your eyes and place your hand over your heart.
2. Ground Yourself: Take a deep breath in through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Ground yourself in the present moment.
3. Access Your Highest Self: Connect with the version of you that is compassionate and non-judgmental. This self can see things clearly and from different perspectives.
4. Affirm Safety: Say to yourself, “Even when I make mistakes, I am safe.” Reflect on the reasons you are safe and secure in your life. Feel into that truth – you have a safe place to live, access to food and water, and the skills and resources to care for yourself.
5. Affirm Love: Say to yourself, “Even when I make mistakes, I am loved.” Think of the people who love you unconditionally – your children, partner, family members, and most importantly, yourself. Picture their faces and feel their love.

Embrace the Journey

This is the beginning of repatterning and embracing your mistakes. Mistakes are a part of being human, and they will happen. But through this process, you’ll learn, grow, and remember that you are safe and loved through it all.

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