We’re Connected to Those Around Us

We’re all in this together. Seriously, it might seem obvious, but the connection between us and those around us, especially our children, can’t be overstated. If we’re aiming to raise kids who are emotionally balanced and resilient, it starts with us. Balancing our nervous systems amid the chaos and daily triggers is no small feat, but it’s crucial.

Redefining “Calm” in Parenting

Let’s clear something up: calm isn’t always the goal. Pretending to be calm doesn’t work—our kids will see right through it. No parent is always calm, present, positive, or peaceful. And that’s perfectly okay because we’re human beings, not robots. The name “Calm Mom” might sound catchy, but the real aim is regulation. We experience highs and lows, and the goal is to have tools that bring us back to equilibrium. This isn’t about becoming some unrealistic, always-calm TV mom. That’s just not real life.

Modeling Emotional Regulation

Teaching our kids how to handle life’s ups and downs starts with us. We need to embody regulation so we can be better teachers for our children. It’s about showing them that it’s okay to feel irritated, sad, or angry, and demonstrating healthy ways to manage those emotions. When we lose control, we’re inadvertently teaching our kids it’s okay to yell or throw things when frustrated. I’ve been there—yelling at my kids when I was at my wit’s end. It made me feel awful, and it wasn’t the example I wanted to set.

Motherhood is incredibly challenging, especially balancing work and family while running businesses. When we’re dysregulated, it’s even harder. I didn’t want to model poor coping mechanisms for my kids. I want them to express their emotions fully but in a way that’s respectful to themselves and others, nourishing to their bodies, and sustainable for their well-being.

The Science Behind Co-Regulation

We all have a social nervous system that helps us interact and connect with others. This system allows us to communicate and understand emotions, and it’s crucial for regulating our emotions in the presence of others. Co-regulation is this process of balancing our emotions in response to those around us. When we see someone happy, we feel happier. When we see someone angry, we tend to feel that anger too.

Mirror neurons play a big part in this—they fire when we observe others’ actions or emotions, helping us understand and empathize. Co-regulation is essential for rebalancing our nervous system because our social nervous system is activated in the presence of others. We’re designed to be regulated by social interactions.

Once I learned exercises to balance my own nervous system, I could co-regulate and model regulation for my kids. When we’re regulated, we can hold space for their emotions and encourage healthy expression. It’s like the oxygen mask analogy—put yours on first so you can help others. A regulated parent can guide and teach effectively, making kids feel safe and empowered.

When our kids see us finding calm amid chaos, they learn they can do the same. Modeling regulation is incredibly powerful. It’s about showing them that even when life throws curveballs, they can manage and express their emotions healthily.

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