"These patterns have shaped us so deeply that now we think that's who we are.  But these patterns are not our true self.  In fact, they cover up our true self and prevent it from shining out into the world."

— Steven Kessler

So what does this really mean?

The Leaving Pattern isn't a personality type like the Enneagram or Myers-Briggs. Rather, it describes the safety strategies you immediately go to when you start to feel overwhelmed. It doesn't describe who you are, but rather what is blocking who you are. 

The inner journey takes time and effort, but once you know where you're going, it will be much easier. Without a map, you may have been running in circles for years.  But with this map, you can finally find your way home. 

Fortunately, there is a map to the Leaving Pattern that shows both how you got stuck in this pattern, and how you can break free and return to your true self.

Keep scrolling for some coaching on how to better understand what's beneath your leaving pattern and how to change it.

1.

Here's How the Leaving Pattern Might be Showing Up

  • You tend to run at the first sign of conflict. 
  • Routine stresses of life can overwhelm you.
  • You tend to operate from a space of anxiety and fear.
  • You're a "Highly-Sensitive Person."
  • The world around you often doesn't feel safe.
  • You tend to prefer spiritual or animal connections over connecting with other people.
  • You often feel disconnected from your body.
  • You sometimes feel like a misfit here on Earth.
  • You tend to be clumsy or a "klutz".
  • You can rapidly process information.
  • You sometimes feel like your actions don't matter or like no one cares.
  • You fear falling apart and losing it.
  • You have a loud and present inner-critic.
  • You tend to avoid your feelings, especially negative ones.
2.

Gifts of the Leaving Pattern

As you continued to use this pattern growing up, you were practicing the skills that the Leaving Pattern requires. Over time, you've become really good at these skills.  Here's the cool thing - you can heal the Leaving Pattern, and the skills stay with you.  You get to keep the gifts of the Leaving Pattern even after you heal it!  Here are some of those gifts:

  • Very attuned to others' energy and moods
  • Close affinity and relationship to animals
  • Skillful at controlling your attention
  • Talented at seeing the big picture 
  • Very creative
  • Curious and fun
  • Rich imagination and enjoy fantasy


Many of the world's artists, visionaries, and seminal thinkers had the Leaving Pattern.

Examples:

  • Phoebe from Friends
  • Albert Einstein
  • Nikola Tesla
  • Pablo Picasso
  • Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
  • Robin Williams
  • Lisa Lovegood in the Harry Potter films


3.

How did I get into the Leaving Pattern?

You likely developed the Leaving Pattern as a child, in a process that went something like this:
  1. Something happened that overwhelmed your nervous system. 
  2. You used whatever skills you had at that age to solve your problem.  Maybe you copied what you'd seen others do, or maybe you invented a new strategy.  You try different things out.
  3. If the strategy works, you keep using it. If it doesn't work, you try something else.
  4. Over time, you settle into a strategy and as you use it repeatedly, it becomes conditioned into your body and develops into a survival pattern.
  5. As you grow, that pattern becomes the lens through which you experience life.  It influences how you see yourself and the world.


The original trauma of the Leaving Pattern usually happens in utero, during birth, or as a newborn.

Hello there!

BEFORE WE GET TOO FAR INTO THIS...

I'm Michelle.
Your Master Coach!

As a certified Master Coach, I took a deep dive into personality patterns. They're pretty fascinating, right?! I really wanted to help other moms learn how to identify their patterns, recognize when they're acting in pattern, and heal their patterns so they can parent and live as their true and authentic selves.

Before understanding my pattern, I was often overwhelmed, and my inner critic kept piling on the mom guilt.  I couldn't figure out why seemingly "little" things would send me over the edge and cause me to lose it.  I didn't understand how my survival pattern was distorting my motherhood experience. I couldn't see that how I was viewing life and motherhood was filtered through the lens of my pattern.
 
Working with a coach and healing my own patterns changed my life!  Learning how to get out of pattern and back to the present, gave me full access to all the help, resources, and maturity I'd worked to develop as an adult, and made me such a better mom and wife.  

I'm interested in 1:1 CoachinG

a few action steps:

Recognizing when you're in pattern

The Leaving Pattern is distorting your perceptions and your experiences. What you're upset about may not be nearly as bad as it looks through the filter of your Leaving Pattern.  And even if it is, you need to be able to see it clearly to find the best way to respond. Remember, following a distorted map will not take you where you want to go!

Learning how to get out of pattern

Whenever you realize you've gone into the Leaving Pattern, your first job is to get yourself out of the pattern and back to being present. When you get out of the Leaving Pattern and back to the present, you will once again have access to all the help, resources, and maturity that you have worked so hard to develop.  Once you are back in the present, you will be able to find the best way to respond to any situation.

Healing the Leaving Pattern

Healing the Leaving Pattern requires that you return to the very beginning of life and build from there.  Your unmet developmental need is to feel safe here in the human world - welcomed, loved, and nurtured by other people.  You will also find great healing in learning to feel at home in your body.  You cannot do this alone.  In a coach who is well grounded and a loving support network, you can find human connection that is safe, warm and welcoming.  Eventually, you will learn how to turn to others for comfort, instead of turning away and leaving. 

Special Offer!

Ever wonder what it'd be like to work with a Life Coach?

it's finally time you invested in yourself

We all have blindspots in our lives.  That's one of the reasons why working with a coach is so powerful.  Awareness is the foundation to all change. You can't intervene in a world you can't see.  

Join me in the journey of understanding why you do the things you do.  Let's work together to recognize when you're operating in a survival pattern that's distorting your motherhood experience. 

I can teach you how to get out of pattern and heal your core wounds so you can get back to the present - back to your true self - where you're able to parent and live with full access to all the help, resources, and maturity you've worked so hard to develop.

Tell me more about 1:1 coaching!

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Resources Just For You

The Calm Mom Podcast

Join us weekly as we talk high-impact habits, work-life rhythms, parenting, marriage, spirituality, and so much more.

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Check out the Calm Mom Blog

We’re gonna get right to the point with practical tips, encouragement, and wisdom for you each week.

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Coaching with Michelle

Finding yourself feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and like you're burning the candle at both ends? It's time to change things up.

learn here

We typically have both a primary and secondary pattern. wanna browse the other patterns?

The Merging Pattern

The Enduring Pattern

The Aggressive Pattern

The Rigid Pattern