"These patterns have shaped us so deeply that now we think that's who we are.  But these patterns are not our true self.  In fact, they cover up our true self and prevent it from shining out into the world."

— Steven Kessler

So what does this really mean?

Keep scrolling for some coaching on how to better understand what's BENEATH the rigid pattern and how to change it.

The Rigid Pattern isn't a personality type like the Enneagram or Myers-Briggs. Rather, it describes the safety strategies you immediately go to when you start to feel overwhelmed. It doesn't describe who you are, but rather what is blocking who you are. 

The inner journey takes time and effort, but once you know where you're going, it will be much easier. Without a map, you may have been running in circles for years.  But with this map, you can finally find your way home. 

Fortunately, there is a map to the Rigid Pattern that shows both how you got stuck in this pattern, and how you can break free and return to your true self.

1.

Here's How the Rigid Pattern Might be Showing Up

  • Order is soothing and disorder causes you anxiety.
  • You clean when you're upset.
  • You highly value your achievements and performance.
  • You spend much of your life working and rarely make time to play.
  • You are judgmental of your feelings if they don't feel valid.
  • You are uncomfortable when others don't follow the rules.
  • You tend to avoid spontaneous or unplanned activities.
  • You're well dressed, well mannered, and well behaved.
  • You prefer to stay busy and struggle to slow down.
  • You tend to be a perfectionist.
  • You prefer to save money, rather than spend it.
  • You hate being late.
  • You value competence and want to master whatever you attempt.
  • You are respectful and obedient to those in positions of authority.
2.

Gifts of the Rigid Pattern

As you continued to use this pattern growing up, you were practicing the skills that the Rigid Pattern requires. Over time, you've become really good at these skills. Here's the cool thing - you can heal the Rigid Pattern, and the skills stay with you. You get to keep the gifts of the Rigid Pattern even after you heal it! Here are some of those gifts:
  • skillful with words and grammar
  • strong, focused attention
  • good at putting ideas into words
  • able to give clear instructions
  • takes pleasure in a job well done
  • appreciates categories, lists, systems and analysis
  • typically on time, and often early
  • logical and methodical thinking 


The gifts of the rigid pattern are the gifts of form and structure. 

Examples:

  • Annette Bening's character in American Beauty
  • the black and white town in Pleasantville
  • Mitt Romney
  • Hillary Clinton
  • the archetypal librarian, trying to keep everything in order


3.

How did I get into the Rigid Pattern?

There are two main paths that commonly lead to the Rigid Pattern:

  1. One or both caregivers are so caught in their own Rigid Patterns that they over-emphasize rules and order at home.
  2. The caregivers and home are chaotic and unstructured, and the child needs the safety of an ordered, structured environment. So, the child adopts the Rigid Pattern as a way to bring more order and structure into their life. 

The core wound of someone who had adopted the Rigid Pattern is the undeveloped sense of their own inner wisdom and feelings for guidance.  Instead, they are trained to reference only outside authorities. Frequently, the parent's rules also prohibit "negative feelings." Instead, the child does their best to think, feel, and act as the rules dictate.  

As a child, you likely tried to conform to the ideal self-image you had been given by your caregivers. You tried your best to be perfect. Instead of learning to be yourself, you learned to perform.


As a certified Master Coach, I took a deep dive into personality patterns. They're pretty fascinating, right?! I really wanted to help other moms learn how to identify their patterns, recognize when they're acting in pattern, and heal their patterns so they can parent and live as their true and authentic selves.

Before understanding my pattern, I was often overwhelmed, and my inner critic kept piling on the mom guilt.  I couldn't figure out why seemingly "little" things would send me over the edge and cause me to lose it.  I didn't understand how my survival pattern was distorting my motherhood experience. I couldn't see that how I was viewing life and motherhood was filtered through the lens of my pattern.
 
Working with a coach and healing my own patterns changed my life!  Learning how to get out of pattern and back to the present, gave me full access to all the help, resources, and maturity I'd worked to develop as an adult, and made me such a better mom and wife.  

Hello there!

BEFORE WE GET TOO FAR INTO THIS...

I'm Michelle.
Your Master Coach!

Tell me more about 1:1 coaching!

A few action steps:

Recognizing when you're in pattern

The Rigid Pattern is distorting your perceptions and your experiences. What you're upset about may not be nearly as bad as it looks through the filter of your Rigid Pattern.  And even if it is, you need to be able to see it clearly to find the best way to respond. Remember, following a distorted map will not take you where you want to go!

Learning how to get out of pattern

Whenever you realize you've gone into the Rigid Pattern, your first job is to get yourself out of the pattern and back to being present. When you get out of the Rigid Pattern and back to the present, you will once again have access to all the help, resources, and maturity that you have worked so hard to develop.  Once you are back in the present, you will be able to find the best way to respond to any situation.

Healing the Rigid Pattern

The healing work of the Rigid Pattern is for you to learn to feel loved and cherished just for being, rather than for something you did.  To heal, you need to move toward feelings, rather than forms and rules. Your developmental tasks are to learn to feel and value your own feelings and needs, to trust your own feelings as your source of inner guidance, and to allow the full flow of your life force energy to move through your body.   

The first step out of the Rigid Pattern is usually the simple discovery that there is more than one "right way" in life.  Since your early wound involved ignoring your sensations and emotions, your healing requires accepting, loving, and valuing all of yourself.  Healing of the Rigid Pattern must be felt in your body and not just an idea in your mind. You also need help disidentifying with your inner critic.  At your core, you need to experience being a mess and still being loved. 

Special Offer!

Ever wonder what it'd be like to work with a Life Coach?

it's finally time you invested in yourself

We all have blindspots in our lives.  That's one of the reasons why working with a coach is so powerful.  Awareness is the foundation to all change. You can't intervene in a world you can't see.  

Join me in the journey of understanding why you do the things you do.  Let's work together to recognize when you're operating in a survival pattern that's distorting your motherhood experience. 

I can teach you how to get out of pattern and heal your core wounds so you can get back to the present - back to your true self - where you're able to parent and live with full access to all the help, resources, and maturity you've worked so hard to develop.

Tell me more about 1:1 coaching!

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Resources Just For You

The Calm Mom Podcast

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Coaching with Michelle

Finding yourself feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and like you're burning the candle at both ends? It's time to change things up.

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We typically have both a primary and secondary pattern. wanna browse the other patterns?

The Merging Pattern

The Enduring Pattern

The Leaving Pattern

The Aggressive Pattern