I had a coaching session recently with a mom who shared something that struck a chord with me. She was reflecting on her childhood, specifically how she spent much of it walking on eggshells around her mom. She described how her mom would suddenly snap—yelling at her and her siblings—leaving everyone feeling on edge. Now, as a mother herself, she’s hyperaware of not wanting her kids to have the same experience.

And listen, I get it. None of us want our children to experience the things from our childhood that we’re still healing from. But I also didn’t want her to feel this immense pressure to never express anger for fear of “ruining” her kids. There’s no such thing as a perfect parent, and setting that unrealistic expectation can add even more stress.

I asked her a simple question: “When your mom snapped, what happened afterward?”

She paused for a moment and said, “Nothing. We’d either pretend it never happened or she’d give us the silent treatment for a while. Then, eventually, we’d go back to normal.”

That response is so common. So many of us grew up in homes where the aftermath of a parental meltdown and yelling was never addressed. And that’s where the confusion sets in for kids. It’s not the snapping itself that does the lasting damage—it’s the lack of repair afterward.

It Happens to the Best of Us

Here’s the truth: Every mom I know has snapped and yelled at their kids at some point. Including me. We’ve all been pushed beyond our limits, operating on no sleep, managing work stress, carrying household responsibilities, and then—boom—one little thing sets us off. It’s a physiological response when we’re in fight-or-flight mode, triggered by chronic stress and overwhelm.

But what really matters isn’t whether you’ve ever snapped at your kids—it’s what you do afterward that can make all the difference.

Step 1: Regulate Before You Repair

Before diving into an apology or repair, you need to regulate your nervous system. When we’re in a heightened emotional state, our brains aren’t functioning at full capacity. The part of our brain that handles logic, communication, and empathy is offline. You can’t have a meaningful conversation until you’ve calmed down.

Find a way to cool off—whether that’s deep breathing, going for a walk, or even slamming a pillow if that helps you release some of that pent-up energy. Give your kids time to cool down too. Everyone needs space before real repair can happen.

Step 2: Apologize and Take Accountability

Once you’re feeling calm, it’s time to address what happened. As the parent, it’s up to you to take the lead on the repair process. This is where your kids learn about accountability and the impact of their actions on others.

The key to a genuine apology is to avoid focusing on what your kids did that may have triggered you. An apology that goes, “I’m sorry I yelled, but you shouldn’t have done X, Y, or Z” is not a real apology. Instead, own your part: “I’m sorry I lost my temper earlier. That wasn’t okay, and I’ll do better next time.”

Give your kids the space to share how they feel, but don’t rush them or expect immediate forgiveness. They might still be upset, and that’s okay. What matters is that you’re showing up, being accountable, and demonstrating emotional responsibility.

Step 3: Problem Solve for the Future

Now’s the time to reflect on what you can do differently next time. This is not just for your kids’ sake but for your own well-being too. Why was your fuse so short that you ended up yelling? What can you do to resource yourself better so you don’t find yourself in that same situation again?

Maybe it’s noticing the early signs of irritation or overwhelm—when you feel yourself sighing or getting irritable over small things. Catching those moments before they escalate is a win. You might find that simple practices, like deep breathing, stepping outside for a moment, or even muttering “God, give me patience” can help. Experiment with different tools until you find what works for you.

Step 4: Follow Through

The final piece of the puzzle is follow-through. Your kids need to see that the plan you’ve discussed with them—the one where you’re going to try to do better—actually happens.

If you keep repeating the same patterns, your kids will stop trusting your apologies. Remember a time when someone apologized to you but didn’t change their behavior? It probably felt worse than if they hadn’t apologized at all. So, the follow-through is crucial.

It’s how you rebuild trust with your kids. They don’t need you to be perfect—they need you to be present, accountable, and honest.

Snapping at your kids doesn’t make you a bad mom; it makes you human. What matters most is how you handle those moments. By taking the time to regulate yourself, apologize genuinely, and follow through on your commitment to do better, you’re teaching your kids valuable lessons about emotions, accountability, and relationships.

Remember, kids don’t need perfect parents—they need real parents who are willing to show up, make mistakes, and then do the work to repair and grow.

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